There was one post I did last week that had to be removed from the site because the Mars candy corporation is a sponsor and I made fun of M&Ms.  That post has been reposted here, directly below all of this writing.

Now let’s go back to the beginning of everything.

Saturday night I got really not-okay drunk.

It was the kind of drunk where, before you get into the cab to go home, you have to mentally prepare yourself to try to speak to the driver without slurring. And despite your best efforts, he still he says “My friend, I can’t understand you,” like 6 times. Then yesterday I was so not-okay-drunk hungover that I didn’t get out of bed until 3:30 in the afternoon. Now, I have a very sensitive sleeping schedule that gets thrown off very easily, so fearing that I would not be able to get to sleep until 6:00 AM because of my late rise, I opted to take a dose and a half of NyQuil last night so I could go to bed at a reasonable hour. That part of the plan worked. I fell right the f**k asleep. But this morning I was so groggy and cranky that I couldn’t bring myself to put forth any effort whatsoever unto putting on a normal outfit. What I did instead was wear a bathing suit and a button down shirt. After all, I was only going to be out of my apartment for 5 minutes. Turns out I ended up going to 7 different deli/stores in my neighborhood, walking a mile and a half in 90+ heat, and getting sad.

I began by going to the deli/store two blocks from my apartment. My only purpose was to get pretzel M&Ms. But when I approached the counter, I saw there was also another kind of new M&M I didn’t know about, a coconut flavored M&M. “I’ll write about two different kinds of new M&Ms!” I thought to myself. I bought both packs and left.

On the way back to my apartment, I stopped by a coffee place. This is where my bathing suit and button down shirt combination first began to feel uncomfortable. It’s one thing to dress like an a**hole at a corner store. The employees wear tank tops with shoulder hair exposed. They’re not going to judge me. But, the indie girl clientele at a Williamsburg coffee shop… they’re going to judge me. And they did.

As I was being judged by indie girls, I ordered my coffee. Seeing the two bags of new flavored M&Ms in my hand, one of the baristas asked, “Have you also seen the new peanut butter and strawberry flavored M&Ms?” I responded that I had not seen them. I turned to leave and suddenly heard M&Ms fall to the floor. I looked at my M&M packs. Somehow the seal on the Coconut M&Ms had come apart.

Not wanting to eat an already opened pack of M&Ms I went back to the deli/store. I didn’t feel like explaining the whole seal-falling-apart thing in order to exchange them, so I decided to just buy another pack. Next to the coconut M&Ms was a single pack of the new Strawberry and Peanutbutter M&Ms the barista had mentioned. I hadn’t noticed them the first time around. The lone pack was beaten up though. The packaging was wrinkly and it just didn’t look healthy. “Well, I’m already out and about,” I thought to myself. “Might as well go to another deli/store and find a decent package of Strawberry and Peanutbutter M&Ms.” Now carrying two packs of coconut M&Ms, one pack of Pretzel M&Ms, and a coffee, I exited the store.

I went to the corner store a few blocks down. They didn’t have Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms. I went to the store across the street from that store. No luck there either. I then doubled back in the opposite direction visiting two more stores. No dice. Fortunately, at one of those stores they had White Chocolate M&Ms. Not ever having seen those before either, I bought them. But, I was still on my quest for the Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms, so I continued on, walking up to another store about a half mile away.

This is where everything went to sh*t. As I made my way to the last two stores of my trip, I had to walk right by my the gym I used to belong to. About a block before the gym, I once again heard the sound of M&Ms hitting the ground. The OTHER pack of Coconut M&Ms had the same issue as the first. The seal opened and leaked M&Ms. More grumpy than at any other point in the morning now, I went on past the gym. One of the trainers happened to be walking out as I passed by. Let me tell you, there is nothing sadder than having a trainer from the gym that you quit seeing you walk by with a wussy coffee drink and four packages of M&Ms, TWO OF WHICH ARE OPEN! He didn’t even know I was on my way to try to buy a fifth. The trainer and I made eye contact. “Good luck with your impending diabetes!” his face seemed to say. I went to the last two stores. No Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms.

Now I’m at home wearing my bathing suit and button down shirt, covered in sweat, and having just eaten the better part of four packs of M&Ms. So, here’s your f**king review of the new M&M flavors not including the peanut butter and strawberry one.

Pretzel M&Ms: Really good.

Coconut M&Ms: Can’t really taste the coconut.

White Chocolate: Not a fan of white chocolate. And the M&M on the pack is a super slutty pirate for no reason.

Too bad I have no chance with her on account of my outfit.

The other night one of his old roommates, Betsy, who no longer lives in the city was visiting and she stayed at our place.  During her stay in the apartment, she asked Brent to sing this song that he apparently used to sing about her.  Brent sang it.  And, as it turns out, it’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.  I think it is the funniest, brassiest 21 seconds of song yet to be created.

In the morning, I demanded that Brent let me record him singing it.  He let me.  Here it is.  Please love it like I love it because it’s perfect.

]]> http://www.noahgarfinkel.com/?feed=rss2&p=374 http://www.noahgarfinkel.com/?p=346 http://www.noahgarfinkel.com/?p=346#comments Fri, 05 Feb 2010 23:35:41 +0000 admin http://www.noahgarfinkel.com/?p=346 Do you want to see the saddest ever screen shot of a web page?  Okay, but I’m warning you.  It’s from Jeff Foxworthy’s website.

No Redneck Joke of the Day.  Because of Win32 Error Code = 50.  What’s really interesting is that Win32 Error Codes one through forty nine actually still lead to hilarious redneck jokes.  But Win32 Error Code = 50….Jeez Louise.  Not funny at all.   It’s just a major failure to execute CGI.

Next week on this blog:  Why the guy in the Jeff Foxworthy logo has an ass for a belly.  (Spoiler alert:  He ate an ass.)

P.S.  The error code has been up for 6 months - Jeff Foxworthy’s Web Site

I was really proud.  I was being proactive in my fight against my fight against myself.  I bought the best stuff they had.  Cortizone 10.  None of those bullshit Cortizones one through nine.  And this stuff — I’m sure it works great.  There was a complication though.  This is my toothpaste.

Yeah, that’s right.  I kept putting toothpaste on my fucking bug bite.  And guess what?  It didn’t help.  An hour would pass and all of the sudden I’d think, “why does my itch feel cold?”

I know what you’re going to say.  You’re going to tell me that I should have just read the label of the thing I was using.  Well, you’re not taking into account that I’m an idiot.  Oh, and here’s another thing.  I can’t be entirely positive that I didn’t brush my teeth with Cortizone the other night when I was drunk.

FUCK YEAH, DOMINOS!!  They don’t even try to pretend like it’s not a retarded bread to pasta ratio.  They just put pictures up of mounds of bread each with a spoonful of pasta in the middle.  And that’s exactly what you get.  And it’s the best.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s get back to the brilliance of their online ordering process.  You just go on there and click on all the stuff you want.  Then you type in your credit card number.  And then you just wait for it to get to your house.  I’M FUCKING KIDDING, IDIOTS.  You don’t just wait for it to get to your house.  YOU WATCH THE PROCESS OF YOUR ENTIRE ORDER.  Check this out.

I GOT CONFIRMATION!  And Corina began custom-making my order at 2:33 PM.  So already I’m in love with Corina.  But she didn’t stop there.  No way would she stop there.

Whaaaaaat?!  Corina also put my order in the oven at 2:35.  So by this point I’m wondering, “Could I ever love anybody more than Corina?”

Hell yeah, I got it heatwaved.  My food was in a hot HeatWave bag at 2:43.  Nazi-like precision they were accomplishing over there at Domino’s.

This is where I got nervous.  What happened to Corina?  Yohan left the store with my order at 2:49?  I felt betrayed, but at the same time, I felt this new love for Yohan.  Yohan would now be the one to see my sweatpants.

Yep.  That’s right.  Yohan arrived.  He saw me in my sweatpants right when I most expected it and he gave me my wad of bread with a spoonful of pasta in it.   I’m going to be straight up real with you people right now.  Hands down, it was the 16th best dinner I’ve ever had.  And I never had to talk to anybody on the phone.  Oh also, they have a button you can click so everybody can watch your order’s progress on FaceBook.

Now, if only there were another button to add Corina and Yohan as FaceBook friends.  Domino’s, let’s get on that.

YEAH!! Fuck yeah!  You like those whales and shit?  Buy some insurance, bitches.  Whales are the oceanicest.