Last weekend I got a mosquito bite.  And normally I have a huge scratching problem when it comes to bug bites.  I scratch them until they scab, and then I scratch the scab until it bleeds, and then I pick the secondary scab until it evolves into an ever-present blemish that I also pick until it’s just a discolored skin patch.  I believe in the doctor community they call it a scar.  This time, however, I was convinced I was not going to let that happen.   So I went out and bought some Cortizone itch cream.

I was really proud.  I was being proactive in my fight against my fight against myself.  I bought the best stuff they had.  Cortizone 10.  None of those bullshit Cortizones one through nine.  And this stuff — I’m sure it works great.  There was a complication though.  This is my toothpaste.

Yeah, that’s right.  I kept putting toothpaste on my fucking bug bite.  And guess what?  It didn’t help.  An hour would pass and all of the sudden I’d think, “why does my itch feel cold?”

I know what you’re going to say.  You’re going to tell me that I should have just read the label of the thing I was using.  Well, you’re not taking into account that I’m an idiot.  Oh, and here’s another thing.  I can’t be entirely positive that I didn’t brush my teeth with Cortizone the other night when I was drunk.