My goal was to do a simple post about the new Pretzel M&Ms. What happened instead was a long and involved disaster. Let’s begin with the end, though. I just tried three different kinds of new M&Ms: White Chocolate M&Ms, Pretzel M&Ms, and Coconut M&M’s.

Now let’s go back to the beginning of everything.

Saturday night I got really not-okay drunk.

It was the kind of drunk where, before you get into the cab to go home, you have to mentally prepare yourself to try to speak to the driver without slurring. And despite your best efforts, he still he says “My friend, I can’t understand you,” like 6 times. Then yesterday I was so not-okay-drunk hungover that I didn’t get out of bed until 3:30 in the afternoon. Now, I have a very sensitive sleeping schedule that gets thrown off very easily, so fearing that I would not be able to get to sleep until 6:00 AM because of my late rise, I opted to take a dose and a half of NyQuil last night so I could go to bed at a reasonable hour. That part of the plan worked. I fell right the f**k asleep. But this morning I was so groggy and cranky that I couldn’t bring myself to put forth any effort whatsoever unto putting on a normal outfit. What I did instead was wear a bathing suit and a button down shirt. After all, I was only going to be out of my apartment for 5 minutes. Turns out I ended up going to 7 different deli/stores in my neighborhood, walking a mile and a half in 90+ heat, and getting sad.

I began by going to the deli/store two blocks from my apartment. My only purpose was to get pretzel M&Ms. But when I approached the counter, I saw there was also another kind of new M&M I didn’t know about, a coconut flavored M&M. “I’ll write about two different kinds of new M&Ms!” I thought to myself. I bought both packs and left.

On the way back to my apartment, I stopped by a coffee place. This is where my bathing suit and button down shirt combination first began to feel uncomfortable. It’s one thing to dress like an a**hole at a corner store. The employees wear tank tops with shoulder hair exposed. They’re not going to judge me. But, the indie girl clientele at a Williamsburg coffee shop… they’re going to judge me. And they did.

As I was being judged by indie girls, I ordered my coffee. Seeing the two bags of new flavored M&Ms in my hand, one of the baristas asked, “Have you also seen the new peanut butter and strawberry flavored M&Ms?” I responded that I had not seen them. I turned to leave and suddenly heard M&Ms fall to the floor. I looked at my M&M packs. Somehow the seal on the Coconut M&Ms had come apart.

Not wanting to eat an already opened pack of M&Ms I went back to the deli/store. I didn’t feel like explaining the whole seal-falling-apart thing in order to exchange them, so I decided to just buy another pack. Next to the coconut M&Ms was a single pack of the new Strawberry and Peanutbutter M&Ms the barista had mentioned. I hadn’t noticed them the first time around. The lone pack was beaten up though. The packaging was wrinkly and it just didn’t look healthy. “Well, I’m already out and about,” I thought to myself. “Might as well go to another deli/store and find a decent package of Strawberry and Peanutbutter M&Ms.” Now carrying two packs of coconut M&Ms, one pack of Pretzel M&Ms, and a coffee, I exited the store.

I went to the corner store a few blocks down. They didn’t have Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms. I went to the store across the street from that store. No luck there either. I then doubled back in the opposite direction visiting two more stores. No dice. Fortunately, at one of those stores they had White Chocolate M&Ms. Not ever having seen those before either, I bought them. But, I was still on my quest for the Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms, so I continued on, walking up to another store about a half mile away.

This is where everything went to sh*t. As I made my way to the last two stores of my trip, I had to walk right by my the gym I used to belong to. About a block before the gym, I once again heard the sound of M&Ms hitting the ground. The OTHER pack of Coconut M&Ms had the same issue as the first. The seal opened and leaked M&Ms. More grumpy than at any other point in the morning now, I went on past the gym. One of the trainers happened to be walking out as I passed by. Let me tell you, there is nothing sadder than having a trainer from the gym that you quit seeing you walk by with a wussy coffee drink and four packages of M&Ms, TWO OF WHICH ARE OPEN! He didn’t even know I was on my way to try to buy a fifth. The trainer and I made eye contact. “Good luck with your impending diabetes!” his face seemed to say. I went to the last two stores. No Peanut Butter and Strawberry M&Ms.

Now I’m at home wearing my bathing suit and button down shirt, covered in sweat, and having just eaten the better part of four packs of M&Ms. So, here’s your f**king review of the new M&M flavors not including the peanut butter and strawberry one.

Pretzel M&Ms: Really good.

Coconut M&Ms: Can’t really taste the coconut.

White Chocolate: Not a fan of white chocolate. And the M&M on the pack is a super slutty pirate for no reason.

Too bad I have no chance with her on account of my outfit.